Forming Adult to Adult Relationships

At USU's Counseling Center, we are committed to helping parents complete the final phase of parenting: helping their young adult children toward independence. Independence includes more than financial security, it also hinges on emotional self-reliance and effective interpersonal skills. This brief summary outlines key developmental stages associated with autonomy and adult identity formation, as well as a few tips to make the most of the USU experience.

Virginia Gordon (Ohio State University) cited Arthur Chickering's seven developmental tasks of young adulthood in her work, "The Developing College Student." This theoretical model serves as a guide for parents, professors, and University personnel in measuring the effectiveness of our actions in promoting student growth.

Achieving Competence stands out as an initial measure of college success. Students aspire to intellectual growth and are often concerned about GPA. They measure their mental progress in terms of grades, but it is more than passing tests. Well developed young adults learn to think critically, and are able to analyze problems and articulate possible solutions. Creative thinking generates novel ideas and future contributions to the classroom and career pursuits. Students learn to combine good study habits and hard work with personal contributions to class discussions and written work.

Beyond competence in a major area of study, students also mature physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually. They learn the importance of balance and moderation. Learning to take good care of their bodies through exercise, healthy eating, and proper sleep often comes as they push the limits. When out of balance, they find the challenges associated with lopsided living and with maturity discover the importance of saying "no" to some good things in order to say "yes" to essential priorities. Values clarification is also part of interpersonal progress.

Managing Emotions is learned from childhood and practiced through the life span. Young adults who recognize and express feelings effectively are deemed emotionally intelligent. Those who lack awareness or regulation tend toward personal problems and relationship frustration. Hiding feelings or overreacting to them exposes emotional instability and creates insecurity and conflict. Prone to external locus of control, students are easily triggered and may be seen as impulsive and unstable. Learning to shift the locus of emotion internally allows for influence and peace. Helping students appreciate the full range of normal feeling, from anger to fear, from excitement to appreciation, promotes a stable emotional base providing enough energy to tackle important college related tasks without becoming too easily overwhelmed.

Parents are often interested in helping their children and may become alarmed when emotions run high. Many times, young students away from home for the first time will express strong emotions, even distress. Parents who hover and overprotect will react to their child's distress and prevent the important struggle that takes place as they achieve emotional autonomy. Emotional self-reliance does not mean dealing with all problems alone; it means dealing with them in a rational, systematic fashion. Individually and in groups, students are encouraged at the Counseling Center to recognize, express, and manage emotions effectively.

Interdependence is the healthy alternative to dependence. It is the posture that allows us to stand alone and stand together. It is the life position that allows us to balance the needs and wants of others with our own wants and needs. It is respect for another's point of view while standing up for our own beliefs. Co-dependence strips individuals of their capacity for independent thinking. Afraid of offending, we don't learn to think for ourselves or respectfully speak our mind. In an atmosphere of healthy risk taking, students can try out decision making and make important mistakes. The goal is to learn from mistakes, to bounce back from disappointment and to refine personality characteristics. We learn best in an environment that promotes teamwork as well as individual contributions. We rely less on others for direction and depend on our own abilities. In simple things (waking up in the morning, cleaning our own room, doing our own laundry, washing our own dishes, paying our own bills) we acquire a base of personal confidence. At the same time, we learn "two heads are better than one" and freely ask for input from others in our decision making.

Identity formation begins in childhood and continues through adulthood. It is the task of adolescence that promotes some rebellion and the question, "why"? Values shared by parents are values respected. Values forced by parents are values rejected. Most young adults want to discover for themselves how to dress, what activities to pursue and what principles to adopt. They need an opportunity to explore, examine and experiment. Sometimes, parents panic when their children make choices about school, substances, and sex differing from the choices they would make. Parents are not required to finance poor decisions. Enabling a child by bailing them out may not be in their best interest. Parents willing to discuss these choices, allowing their children to experience the consequences without criticism, have more positive influence than angry parents who attempt to control or passive parents who are afraid to discuss the obvious and/or important issues. Young adults who are encouraged and supported in their personal identity quest mature more quickly and successfully into contributing, confident individuals.

Mature Relationships follow on the heals of identity formation. After I discover who I am, I look about and discover those who share like interests, ideals, and goals. Lifelong friendships are often generated during college years. Beyond the insecurity and immaturity of adolescence lies a universe of interpersonal possibilities. An array of activities on campus thrust students into dozens of social options, from academic clubs to intramural sports, allowing them social interaction on a daily basis. Of concern might be students who tend to isolate or students who are "too social" and neglect other demands of the University experience (academics). A primary challenge rests in being honest and learning effective communication. Fundamental relationship principles of mutual trust and respect are not always mastered by young adulthood and require constant attention and effort. College provides the ideal time to learn and refine these basic relationship skills.

For students who lack effective role models, group process introduces a full range of interaction. Those lacking in skills sometimes reinforce negative experience by seeking out relationships of similar frustrating patterns. On the other hand, corrective experiences are also possible and students move along the relationship continuum from casual surface level acquaintances to long term committed relationships. Students who are willing to appropriately disclose, genuinely care, and take appropriate risk will establish a network of satisfying, supportive friendships.

Purpose impacts not only career choice but also life direction. Without an underlying cause, motivation is limited. Part of young adulthood rests in answering the key question, "what is my unique factor?" Part of identity formation lies in discovering talents and gifts. Students who become aware of what they have to contribute in the world have an easier time establishing a reason for being in college and a reason for living life. Vocational and lifestyle plans are empty without a fundamental purpose. Spiritual growth and development increases the likelihood of seeing an overarching purpose to life in general terms but also in terms specific to the individual. This process of discovering direction is ongoing and may evolve as the student is exposed to more opportunities for learning and service. Hopefully before students graduate from USU they can describe their mission in life.

Integrity embodies the core ethic adopted by young adults. More than honesty, the term implies commitment to doing the right thing. A willingness to defend life and truth endows students with courage and resolve. Without a basic sense of justice, students lack guidelines to shape their personal and professional decisions. Every student agrees to abide by an honor code and once they leave the University, they establish their personal honor code, the standard by which they will live the rest of life. Assertiveness in upholding basic human rights will allow every USU graduate to make the world a better place.

At USU's Counseling Center, we meet with students on a daily basis to promote these seven developmental tasks. We invite parents to support young adults along the way. Parental over-involvement stifles, while indifference can be equally painful. As a Center, we are available to talk to parents about attitudes and actions that are more likely to produce growth. While confidentiality does not allow disclosure of student participation in counseling or the content of private sessions, staff members are always available to discuss, in general terms, parent concerns. In the final analysis, we want every student to emerge from USU a healthy, productive adult who can stand on their own and relate to family, friends, and the community, adult to adult.

To facilitate young adult emancipation, may we suggest a few guidelines:

  1. Maintain regular contact (weekly) with your son or daughter, but avoid calling them daily and encourage them to stay on campus rather than returning home every week (even if you live close to USU).
  2. Listen to their concerns and invite them to share their successes as well as challenges in their weekly communication. Consider letters as well as email and phone contact so they have a tangible reminder of your support and counsel.
  3. Express curiosity in place of criticism when they make mistakes or poor choices, allowing the lesson to do the teaching, which will promote understanding. Empathy teaches humility rather than resentment.
  4. Allow your children as much responsibility for their own finances, transportation, housing and material support as possible. Help with tuition, books and living expenses is appreciated, but providing too much (recreation, excessive wardrobe, expensive transportation) can establish unrealistic expectations and dependence. Let them work so they can earn what they receive. This allows students to develop an appreciation for the things they have, and teaches them skills for becoming functioning adults.
  5. Set appropriate boundaries with regard to money, time, and other resources so they learn to advocate for themselves and solve their own problems. Doing too much can be as detrimental as doing nothing.
  6. Respect privacy with regard to personal matters. Adults are entitled to personal space. Intrusions into this space suggests lack of respect.
  7. Expect the best. Allow for positive self-fulfilling prophecy to occur as you communicate confidence in your young adult's ability to discover their potential. Encourage them to set realistic but challenging goals and then believe in themselves.
  8. Be gentle with yourself as well as with your son or daughter. You are bound to make mistakes and allowing yourself to be an imperfect parent gives permission for your child to be their best and forgive themselves for making mistakes.
  9. Visit campus during the first week or homecoming, then get out of the way so your son or daughter can forge their own experience. Be interested in their experience, ask questions, and let them discover and grow.
  10. Ask for help when you are concerned. Offices on campus specifically designed to support parents include: Retention and First Year Experience, Counseling Center, and Vice President's Office in Student Services. Click here for a full list of Student Services

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