Holding Others Accountable
Navigating Relationships with Someone Who Has Been Accused
False allegations of sexual misconduct are rare and make up between 2-8% of all reports (Lisak et al., 2010). On the other hand, 80% of sexual misconduct cases experienced by individuals of college age are never reported (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2017). At USU specifically, 67% of students who experienced sexual harassment never told anyone else at the university (USU, 2021). Therefore, if someone is choosing to disclose a difficult experience to you, the concern should not lie within whether the story is made up, but in creating healthy environments where people feel comfortable coming forward.
For survivors of sexual misconduct, the process of coming forward takes a lot of courage, and they should be met with empathy and support. Hearing that a friend and fellow Aggie may have committed an act of sexual misconduct can threaten your sense of security and positive judgement of people.
However, you can support your friend without invalidating the survivor of sexual misconduct. If the roles were reversed, you would not want someone attacking your friend if they experienced harm.
Being Friends with Someone who has been Accused of Sexual Misconduct can be a Confusing and Difficult Thing
Here are some guidelines for navigating this situation:
- Collect your thoughts. Nobody wants to believe that someone they trust and are friends with would do something that violates another person’s bodily autonomy. Your first instinct may be to defend your friend, but this does not mean you should immediately reject the accusation. Keep in mind that being friends with someone doesn’t mean you have to defend everything they’ve done. A common misconception is that a perpetrator of sexual misconduct automatically equates to a bad person, but that is not necessarily true. Good people can make bad decisions and mistakes. Holding your friend accountable to understanding that their actions hurt another person is vital to being a good friend.
- Be a good friend. Have open discussions with them about any defensive or destructive behavior they may be exhibiting (projecting responsibility, victim blaming, etc.). You should listen to what your friend has to say, but also help them reflect on their actions. Being a good friend means calling them out when they do wrong because you believe that they can do better. It is also important to reiterate that your friend may not have done something with malicious intent, but their actions still hurt another person and cannot be taken back.
- Hold them accountable. Sexual misconduct does not happen inside a vacuum. There are many factors, including the presence of rape-accepting social norms, which influence the likelihood that a perpetrator will commit an act of sexual misconduct. As a friend, you have the ability to influence their beliefs about consent, rape myths, and sexual misconduct. If you see your friend acting inappropriately, not respecting other people’s autonomy, making sexist or rape-supportive comments, etc. – be an Upstander.
- Listen to yourself. As you navigate this situation, listen to yourself and make decisions based on what is best for you. If you choose to continue being friends, take an active role in encouraging them to change their future behavior. If you decide to stop being friends with them, that’s O.K. too. You should always take care of your needs first.
- Speak to a professional. Understanding and reflecting on this experience can be overwhelming to take on alone, but talking with other students risks violating someone else’s privacy and can contribute to a toxic environment amongst friends. If you want to talk to someone, you can connect with SAAVI. Their professional advocates can meet with secondary survivors (friends/loved ones of people impacted by trauma) in a private and supportive space.
Navigating Relationships When You Know Both the Survivor and the Perpetrator
92% of undergraduate survivors of sexual assault on USU’s campuses knew their perpetrator before they were assaulted (USU, 2021). If a friend of yours has experienced sexual misconduct, there’s a chance you could also know the person who perpetrated the harm.
- Give support. If someone tells you they’ve been assaulted by someone you know, the most important thing you can and should do is give them support. Avoid judging or questioning the experience of your friend. Listen with empathy and refer them to professional resources when appropriate. Trust them to make the best decisions for themselves moving forward. (You can also learn more about how to help a survivor.)
- Collect your thoughts. If you discover that you are friends with both a survivor and a perpetrator, you might find yourself experiencing some conflicting emotions. You may feel upset or even angry that something like this happened to your friend. You may also struggle to accept that someone you know and trust could have caused harm, and that’s O.K. This does not mean, however, that you should reject the accusation. A common misconception is that a perpetrator of sexual assault equates to a bad person, but that isn’t necessarily true. Good people can make bad decisions and mistakes. Holding your friend accountable to understanding that their actions hurt another person is vital to being a good friend.
- Recognize the complexities of sexual misconduct. Because our culture has portrayed sexual misconduct inaccurately, we often do not recognize harmful behaviors or have incomplete understandings of who causes and experiences harm. It is completely possible for someone to have experienced harm, and the perpetrator of that harm have no idea it occurred. Causing harm without intending to is more common than being falsely accused. However, even if harm was unintentional, people are still responsible for their actions that caused the harm.
- Be mindful of your words and actions moving forward. Avoid trying to explain how the perpetrator was just “confused” or “didn’t understand” and speak out when you hear other people do this. Attempting to justify or downplay acts of sexual misconduct can make a survivor feel isolated and worsen any trauma they’re already experiencing. Furthermore, avoid language that implies or directly accuses the survivor of lying. False accusations of sexual misconduct are rare (about 2-8% of reports), and accusing survivors of making false statements only serves to perpetuate rape culture.
- Act responsibly. Navigating your relationships with your two friends can be difficult. If you choose to remain friends with the perpetrator, make sure you hold them accountable and help them be better in the future. Don’t invite them to events where you know the survivor is likely to be. If they ask about it, talk to them about why they’re not invited. If you’re at an event together and the survivor shows up, tell the perpetrator they need to leave. As a friend, it is your responsibility to hold them accountable and tell them that what they did wasn’t O.K.
- Respect others' decisions. Finally, if you choose to remain friends with the perpetrator, that is valid, but that choice could affect your relationship with the survivor. While your intention may be to “not pick a side," it may be impossible to do so in this situation. Understand that if you decide to maintain relationships with both people, the survivor and the survivor’s friends might decide to distance themselves from you for the sake of their safety and well-being, and they have the right to do so.
- Take care of yourself. Finding yourself in this situation can be stressful and you might have to make difficult decisions moving forward. If you need help making these decisions or if you just need someone to talk to, there are many resources, like SAAVI or CAPS, that you are encouraged to reach out to.
Adapted from Tulane University’s Greek Life Sexual Violence Toolkit